Written by Chris Thompson, Directed by Mark Cendrowski

Special guest star George Hamilton as Don Rio Sepulveda

"Liquor and lotto tickets. That's a good title for your autobiography." -Jimmy to Mitzi

"Isn't it obvious, dad? Grandma's gettin' busy." -Bonnie

"Hey, hey, hey, Sipowicz, back off!" -Donna

"Your mother is... is like a river. Sometimes she is wild, sometimes she is calm, and sometimes the salmon swim up her to spawn." -Don Rio

"Don Rio, what do you want?" -Jimmy
"What do I want. Well, that is a very difficult question. I want peace in the Balkans." -Don Rio
"We all want that." -Gene
"Thank you, Gene. And I want that, uh, TV show, 'Veronica's Closet,' to be cancelled. Who watches that?" -Don Rio
"It stinks." -Gene
"And I want Blockbuster to put in an adult video section." -Don Rio
"Oooh, wouldn't that be sweet!" -Gene

"I've got a picture in my head of my mother in a bathtub being loofahed by a Spaniard. It's gonna take a couple of days to get it out of there. Wake me up if you hear screaming." -Jimmy