Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot

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Written by Chris Thompson, Directed by James Burrows

Special Guest Star Dixie Carter as Peaches

Guest starring Lisa Darr as Dr. Mandell, Tracy Ann Thompson as nurse, Peter Santana as bag boy


"I have fat-free muffins." -Mitzi
"Ma, I'm usin' the bathroom." -Jimmy
"Oh, that's okay, they're bran." -Mitzi
"I brought the girls muffins." -Mitzi
"Oh, isn't that sweet? I brought them digital cell phones." -Peaches

"What would I be looking for that would indicate a boy child?" -Jimmy
"A set of golf clubs and a fear of intimacy." -Donna

"Every picture tells a story, and this one starts with, 'Once upon a time there was a penis.'" -Jimmy

"Jimmy's father hated me for that last 20 years of our marriage." -Mitzi
"Oh, Ma, that's not true." -Jimmy
"He referred to me in his will as, 'That bitch who killed me.'" -Mitzi

"I make a living from tips. And I'm rude." -Claire

"I do not hate women! But you know, right now I'm this close to having the guts to stroke a man like a pussycat." -Jimmy

"You said I looked like a cow." -Donna
"No I didn't, YOU said you looked like a cow." -Jimmy
"And you agreed with me!" -Donna
"Well normally you like it when I agree with you. In fact, it's damn near required." -Jimmy

"If I am so beautiful, how come we haven't had sex in a month?" -Donna
"I don't know, maybe I misinterpreted you screaming 'Don't touch me,' and then vomiting." -Jimmy

"Jimmy Stiles, if you do not make love to me right now, I will know that I repulse you. If you are not fully excited and making love to me in thirty seconds, I will know that this marriage is over." -Donna
"Well, no pressure here." -Jimmy

"Read it and weep, Dr. Smarty-pants, 'cause unless you ordered this baby with a side of pickle, that is a boy." -Jimmy

"I don't know why I'm crying." -Jimmy
"I do. Because you're not alone anymore." -Donna

"Where you guys going?" -Jimmy
"We're going to get him circumcised." -nurse
"And so it begins." -Jimmy

In this episode, Katie Volding played Bonnie, and Mariam Parris played Wendy.

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